Thursday, December 28, 2017

When thinking slows us down

There’s a thing that people love to do.  We love to tell stories, we love to analyze, we love to make meaning.  I’m doing it right now, simply by writing this post.  You’re doing it now, in the back of your mind, as you decide whether or not you you find this article fascinating (give it a moment).  

There’s a great temptation as a Somatic Experiencing client to explain in detail to their practitioner what happened, when, why, how, and how that relates to the current situation.  If we go down that path, though, we can spend the whole hour just sorting out the story.


The thing is, that’s not what we’re trying to do here.  People ask sometimes:  “What’s the difference between SE and therapy?”  That’s a hard question to answer, because there are so many forms of therapy.  But one thing I can say is that SE deals primarily with the present moment experience.

If you’re feeling sad in an SE session, the important thing isn’t why you’re feeling sad, it’s what the sadness feels like.  If you’re relaxing your mind and seeing images of an angry unicorn, I’m not going to ask about your childhood, I’m going to ask what the unicorn is doing.  And if you feel the need to tell me all the reasons your sister is a jerk, what I’m curious about isn’t the reasons, but the anger you’re feeling and the urgency you’re feeling that drives you to give me all of those reasons.

Now, imagine for a moment that you’re telling me about how angry you are at your sister (or brother or partner etc) and why, and I ask you “What does that anger feel like in your body?  Do you have any mental images as you talk about this?”  At first it can feel a little jarring.  After all, you’re trying to tell this great story about how mad you are!

But you decide to bear with me.  You notice that in your body, there’s this intense heat running up and down your face and arms.  Your jaw is tight.  Your fists want to tighten.  You look for mental images and you can see yourself punching a tree, shards of bark flying everywhere.  You start to make meaning again, to explain to me how your sister used to climb trees, but I say, “hold on, one more second:  what happens next in this mental image?”


So you keep watching, and you see the tree explode into sawdust, and you see yourself raise your arms in triumph, and as you see that image, you notice that here in the present moment you’re taking a deep breath, that the heat in your arms has transformed into pleasant tingling, your jaw has loosened and you’re relaxing your back into the chair.  You’re not so angry anymore, in fact you feel good- maybe a little  sad, but also really satisfied.

The thing is, we can tell stories and make meaning for hours, days, or years, and although we can come to some really great conclusions, it can be difficult for  our meaning-making to deeply change our feelings.  It’s not the most effective channel:  It can be like drawing new maps and hoping the roads outside will change to accommodate what you’ve drawn.

When we shift our focus to what we’re actually feeling in the present moment, and simply watch those feelings with curiosity from a safe, calm headspace, they will often shift much more fluidly than we’d expect.  And you’ll find that it’s not about ‘getting rid’ of your uncomfortable feelings, it’s about watching what they become.  Because if you let them, they may surprise you in the best of ways.